Two more days till my surgery

I am really trying to keep it together for the sake of those around me. I feel so scared, scared of the pain, scared of the results and just plain scared. My days seem to consist of so many emotions I think it is quite funny. I suppose it is just my nerves and their way of helping me cope. The voices tell me that everything is going to be ok...I have made it through scarier things but for some reason this feels very different. I need to be strong and maintain a positive attitude. I need to believe with all my heart and soul that the universe has a plan and it is line with what I need.

to be continued...

I have tried several times to sit and write but the tears won't let me. My heart is torn yet once again. So much on my mind that I really don't know where to start....

My dearest baby grandson will be here soon within a 1 1/2. I can't wait to hold him in my arms. Just the thought if this is what has been helping me make it thru the days. At times I just want to die. Something that I had not thought about in a very long time. But now it is on my mind at least once a day! I know I should see my doctor but I feel my voice will fall on deaf ears. I don't understand why these thoughts would even exist. I am excited for the new life to come but at the same time I feel that I just can't go on living like this. I am so tired emotionally you could not even begin to understand. I know that I am surrounded by so many loved ones but it really does not make a difference. I wish I could just feel numb like I did before. At the time I hated it but I guess my doctor had a point it is a coping mechanism.

My daughter Melanie has changed over night. She was such a loving and caring little girl. Now she wants nothing to do with me. She even decided to leave and move in with her dad. All this out of nowhere, nothing happened she says that this is not her home and she wants to be there. It really puzzles me for years I have been the one always telling her that she should visit her dad because she would never want to go. She even wanted to go to court and say that

I just don't understand. She always told me that she was the one that was going to care for me when I was old. Where has she gone? Who has taken away that caring, loving little angel, my baby girl? My heart has so much pain that I just feel that I can't take much more.

................
Another lump was found this one my me. I found it under my armpit about a week ago. Had mammogram in December and it was not there so it is another new one. Went to the dr. Thursday then the hospital Friday to get tested. They want me to have a needle biopsy this Monday. I am so FREAKING scared. I have ALWAYS been blessed/lucky but this time I just have a weird feeling. My doctor is concerned and she is always careful with what she tells me. She knows how anxious and worried I get. When I saw the nurse call the doctor to come talk to me I knew that it was bad news. But as he talked I remained calm and said ok lets take care of this.

Heart Broken

I just found out that you are thinkig about giving up the baby for adoption. I am so heart broken. If you do this you are killing me not to mention the rest of you family. You alway wondered if you would have a child or not. Now he is coming in two months and the thought that you do not want him kills me! I know that you are scared about what is to come, but you fail to realize that you have so many people around you that are supportive of you and the baby!


I can't go on......

This is Natalie, she is giving me my first grandson, Anthony Elieser!

A wonderful end to a perfect weekend. It was really quiet here this weekend. No drama thank God! lol I cleaned and did laundry all day Saturday. It feels so good to sit back and see all the laundry done and the house is nice and clean. The family is all doing good. Yesterday Peter and Jessika came over and we played trivial pursuit. Natalie and Larry joined in too.

Friday night I had a big scare. Natalie went out and when she came home she woke me and told me that she had "horrible sharp pains". I called the ob right away, he was in surgery so I decided that I would call back. The nurse told me that if it was really bad to take her to the hospital. She is 17 1/2 weeks now. I got my computer and started looking up what she was describing. I found pages and pages of her exact quote, I felt calmer at that point. What she is experiencing is her uterus stretching making space for the baby. I gave her tylenol, two glasses of water and kept an eye on her. I know that if you are dehydrated you can get cramps and not feel well. I remember that from my pregnancy's. The next morning it was all gone.

When she told me what she was feeling I had so many scenarios rush thru my mind. I felt and immediate sadness. I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to my grandson Anthony. He is not here yet and I am so passionate and feel such deep feelings like never before. I adore my kids more then anything in this world. My love for Anthony is a different kind of love, one that I had never experienced before. What a wonderful feeling!

Seven months later

I can't believe it has been so long. First off I am so excited that I am going to be a grandma. Natalie will be giving me my first grandchild in November due date is the 17th. It is a boy she is naming him Anthony. I am beyond excited every time I think of it my face lights up. I know that it is not going to be easy but I am really looking forward to it.

I had gallbladder surgery earlier this year and boy was that a mess. I have been on a roller coaster this year. I lost my mind for about two months still have no memory of anything that happened. It is very frustrating hearing things that I said and did and not remember any of it. I hope that eventually my memory comes back.

I was in a car accident along with my mom and my two daughters. My mom ended up having to have back surgery again. It had been eight months since her first back surgery. We were stopped at the valet at the hospital. It was Natalie's first ob appointment. An older lady hit the accelerator instead of the break. The screw in my moms back moved along with other parts and she really got hurt. The girls were fine thank God. I am having physical therapy for my neck it has been hurting bad since. They gave me meds too and they seem to help.

Hubby has been having some left arm and back pain lately. The mri test showed that he has spinal stenosis. He now has to follow up with a neuro surgeon and see what the next step is. It is funny we are both hurting however he was NOT involved in the accident. Perfect timing I suppose.

When is enough really enough?

Do you ever find yourself constantly having to forgive the same people over and over for the same reasons? Like my title says when is enough really enough? I suppose that I have really finally reached that point in my life where I can stand up and say no. It is very difficult for me because I have always been such a forgiving person. I think that I have reached that point because I don't have that guilty feeling, no lingering what if feelings. I am simply done with that part of my life at least for now, like my brother once said "maybe in another lifetime". My heart strings were tugged just a bit but I quickly got over it and I can honestly say that my heart is in the right place. I am at peace with the choice that I have made!

I have forgiven you, may you live a life full of love, light, and peace!

It is now that enough is enough for me........

Go with the flow....

12 Practical Steps for Learning to Go With the Flow
by Leo Babauto

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.
” ~Lao-Tzu

No matter how much structure we create in our lives, no matter how many good habits we build, there will always be things that we cannot control — and if we let them, these things can be a huge source of anger, frustration and stress.


The simple solution: learn to go with the flow.


“Smile, breathe and go slowly.
”~Thich Nhat Hanh

For example, let’s say you’ve created the perfect peaceful morning routine. You’ve structured your mornings so that you do things that bring you calm and happiness. And then a water pipe bursts in your bathroom and you spend a stressful morning trying to clean up the mess and get the pipe fixed.


You get angry. You are disappointed, because you didn’t get to do your morning routine. You are stressed from all these changes to what you’re used to. It ruins your day because you are frustrated for the rest of the day.


Not the best way to handle things, is it? And yet if we are honest, most of us have problems like this, with things that disrupt how we like things, with people who change what we are used to, with life when it doesn’t go the way we want it to go.


Go with the flow.


What is going with the flow? It’s rolling with the punches. It’s accepting change without getting angry or frustrated. It’s taking what life gives you, rather than trying to mold life to be exactly as you want it to be.


“Flow with whatever is happening and let your mind be free. Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.
” ~Chuang Tzu

A reader recently asked me to write more about going with the flow, so this is my attempt to share some of the things that work for me. As always, I don’t have any claims to perfection, and I’m learning as I improve, but the tips below should help anyone.

1. Realize that you can’t control everything. I think we all know this at some level, but the way we think and act and feel many times contradicts this basic truth. We don’t control the universe, and yet we seem to wish we could. All the wishful thinking won’t make it so. You can’t even control everything within your own little sphere of influence — you can influence things, but many things are simply out of your control. In the example above, you can control your morning routine, but there will be things that happen from time to time (someone’s sick, accident happens, phone call comes at 5 a.m. that disrupts things, etc.) that will make you break your routine. First step is realizing that these things will happen. Not might happen, but will. There are things that we cannot control that will affect every aspect of our lives, and we must must must accept that, or we will constantly be frustrated. Meditate on this for awhile.


2. Become aware. I’ve mentioned this step in previous articles on other topics, but that’s because it’s extremely important. You can’t change things in your head if you’re not aware of them. You have to become an observer of your thoughts, a self-examiner. Be aware that you’re becoming upset, so that you can do something about it. It helps to keep tally marks in a little notebook for a week — every time you get upset, put a little tally. That’s all — just keep tally. And soon, because of that little act, you will become more aware of your anger and frustration.


3. Breathe. When you feel yourself getting angry or frustrated, take a deep breath. Take a few. This is an important step that allows you to calm down and do the rest of the things on this list. Practice this by itself and you’ll have come a long way already.


4. Get perspective. This always helps me. I get angry over something happening — my car breaks down, my kids ruin my microwave — and then I take a deep breath, and take a step back. You know how you’re watching a movie and the camera zooms away and you can see much more of the world on the screen than you could before? How it goes from closeup to a larger, panoramic view of things? That’s what happens in my mind’s eye. I start to zoom away, until I’m pretty far away from things. Then whatever happened doesn’t seem so important. A week from now, a year from now, this little incident won’t matter a single whit. No one will care, not even you. So why get upset about it? Just let it go, and soon it won’t be a big deal.

5. Practice. It’s important to realize that, just like when you learn any skill, you probably won’t be good at this at first. Who is good when they are first learning to write, or read, or drive? No one I know. Skills come with practice. So when you first learn to go with the flow, you will mess up. You will stumble and fall. That’s OK — it’s part of the process. Just keep practicing, and you’ll get the hang of it. Someday, you may even become a Zen Master and write a guest post on what you’ve learned for Zen Habits.
:)

6. Baby steps. Along the same lines, take things in small steps. Don’t try to become that Zen Master mentioned above overnight. Don’t try to bite off huge chunks — just bite off something small at first. So make your first attempts to go with the flow small ones: focus on the tally marks (mentioned above) first. Then focus on breathing. Then try to get perspective after you breathe. And you might try the easier situations first — if your work problems are easier to accept than your frustrations with your kids, for example, start with work.


7. Laugh. It helps me to see things as funny, rather than frustrating. Car broke down in the middle of traffic and I have no cell phone or spare tire? Laugh at my own incompetence. Laugh at the absurdity of the situation. That requires a certain amount of detachment — you can laugh at the situation if you’re above it, but not within it. And that detachment is a good thing. If you can learn to laugh at things, you’ve come a long way. Try laughing even if you don’t think it’s funny — it will most likely become funny.


8. Keep a journal. This is one of the best uses of a journal actually. Once a day, try to recall what all your tally marks were for — and then write about those situations. Why did you get upset? What did you try to do? Did it work, and if not, why not? What can you do next time? This kind of recollection and examination, after the fact, will help you learn from the process.

9. Meditate. If you aren’t good at keeping a journal, at least do a daily review in your head. Do some meditation, or have a bath, or a cup of hot tea, and as you’re de-stressing, go over your day and examine it. Don’t get frustrated — you’re learning. Do some deep breathing, and then go over each situation, trying to see it as a detached observer. This kind of review will help you improve in the learning process.


10. Realize that you can’t control others. Ah, one of the biggest challenges. We get frustrated with other people, because they don’t act the way we want them to act. Maybe it’s our kids, maybe it’s our spouse or significant other, maybe it’s our coworker or boss, maybe it’s our mom or best friend. But we have to realize that they are acting according to their personality, according to what they feel is right, and they are not going to do what we want all of the time. And we have to accept that. Accept that we can’t control them, accept them for who they are, accept the things they do. It’s not easy, but again, it takes practice.


11. Accept change and imperfection. When we get things the way we like them, we usually don’t want them to change. But they will change. It’s a fact of life. We cannot keep things the way we want them to be … instead, it’s better to learn to accept things as they are. Accept that the world is constantly changing, and we are a part of that change. Also, instead of wanting things to be “perfect” (and what is perfect anyway?), we should accept that they will never be perfect, and we must accept good instead.


12. Enjoy life as a flow of change, chaos and beauty. Remember when I asked what “perfect” is, in the paragraph above? It’s actually a very interesting question. Does perfect mean the ideal life and world that we have in our heads? Do we have an ideal that we try to make the world conform to? Because that will likely never happen. Instead, try seeing the world as perfect the way it is. It’s messy, chaotic, painful, sad, dirty … and completely perfect. The world is beautiful, just as it is. Life is not something static, but a flow of change, never staying the same, always getting messier and more chaotic, always beautiful. There is beauty in everything around us, if we look at it as perfect.


“I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me.
” ~Bob Dylan

Love & Light,